This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

This whole cancer thing is really new to me. Its really scary, as you probably know.

I never got sick. And I mean that completely honestly. I skipped every flu season, and I never caught colds, viruses, anything. Ever.

It was the last thing on my mind. I was a senior. I was excited. I was the quarterback on the football team, leading forward on the soccer team. I ran track, I surfed, I snowboarded, I did everything. EVERYTHING.

Over the last 2 months, I’ve traded in my track shoes and my soccerball for IV’s and anti-puke pills.

I’ve traded in dates with my lovely girlfriend and hanging out with my buddies for doctors appointments and sick days.

I’ve traded in my life for a life I didn’t want anymore.

I wasn’t supposed to have to go through this.

My family wasn’t supposed to have to undergo this, and neither were my friends.

I wasn’t supposed to have to deal wth all of this, I was supposed to have a fun year. I was supposed to graduate.

I was supposed to be healthy.

I’m not anymore, and I’m so confused. My body has proclaimed war against me. My stomach refuses to hold anything down, my head won’t stop spinning, and my energy just dissapears as soon as I gain it, if I’m lucky enough to gain it.

I try to push myself. Because thats who I am. That’s what I’ve always done. I’ve always pushed myself physically, and mentally. I was all honors, and taking AP everything, and I’ve had to give that up, because I’m never able to go to school.

The other day, I tried to jog at least 2 miles after having a Chemo treatment. I stopped after one, because I was so weak, I felt so sick, and I didn’t have the want to do it anymore. All I want to do anymore is curl up in a ball and sleep.

It royally sucks.

But I’m not one to complain. I haven’t complained once to my mom, or my dad, or anyone else. They have enough to worry about.

So this is the first time I’ve complained throughout 3 rounds of chemo, and its side effects.

I don’t whine, I see that as a sign of weakness, and I don’t like being weak.

But I am.

So, I think I’ll curl up in a ball, and go to sleep for 12 hours now.

May 30, 2010 by  
Filed under Community

  • Emily Jones

    Heya :)

    Complaning every so often is always good :D
    I did it too, mainly to my brother who was probebly sick to death of me!
    If you ever wanted to talk, or generally comaplin you can email me at

    I’d love to talk to someone who has been through the same sort of things as me :)
    Emily x

  • hannah

    I know what you mean but you have to remember to stay positive no matter what… i mean whats not trying and giving up gonna, smiling is easier than frowning, scientifically. frowning gives you wrinkles!! hahaha i know thats probably not funny to you, and im sorry if i sound rude, im not trying to be. i just wanna say that theres always light at the end of the tunnel, always a silver lining, always someone out there whos got it worse…
    thinking of you,
    let me know if i can help!

  • alexandra

    I agree with HannaH :) but i also know how utterly hopeless you can feel <3

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